I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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