I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize