Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
