Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
