this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Randomize
