I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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