Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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