They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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