Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
