I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
