i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
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