Will you blow on my dice?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
i've created a new STD.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
