dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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