I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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