You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
