I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
