Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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