dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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