Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
