I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
My ass is underappreciated
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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