I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
