the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
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