I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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