i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
