I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
You took a bar mat shot.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
