i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Randomize
