First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
it's like iHOP with fire
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
My vagina just clenched in fear
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
