my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
