Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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