Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize