Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
