I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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