I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
why is half of my head shaved?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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