i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
