Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
