thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
