Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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