Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
