so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
