I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
you're hired as official boob wrangler
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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