So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Randomize
