update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
