im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize