We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
