My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Randomize