Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize