My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
