he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
