i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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