eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
COCAINE IS GR8
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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