i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
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