the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Randomize
