Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
