Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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