i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
