I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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