mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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