So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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