there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
