Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
